Poetry · Uncategorized

My Foolish Pride

Did I make the wrong choice?

Did I damage my own voice?

But you didn’t hear when I cried

But I’ll make you know my pride.

I am not calm and collected

That is not something I’ve perfected

But I am tenaciously stubborn

That is something you will learn.

Break me? You’ve tried

Now deal with my foolish pride.

 

Julie

 

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Poetry · Uncategorized

See you

You know me more than my parents do,

And I can’t remember when I last spoke to you.

You do not put expectations on me,

You are just happy to see me.

We haven’t spoke in such a long time,

And neither of us see it as a crime.

Our conversations take years to end,

Because we only see each other on a rare weekend.

But our stories never end so our friendship will not,

This cannot be bought.

So see you when I see you,

For us, this friendship will do.

Call you next year…maybe,

And you’ll still be you, And I’ll be me.

 

Julie-

Here are to the friends that you never speak to that stay by your side. Who know, despite not talking for months, that we will forever be the best of friends. Distance and time does not change the fact that we are always there for each other.

Poetry · Uncategorized

Forgive me

Hey, how are you?

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you last.

What have you been up to?

My! Doesn’t time go by so fast?

Then we go on to reminiscence

about things we barely remember,

and dreams that never made sense

that died faster than embers.

I’m so sorry, I forgot about you,

believe me, it is not your fault

you see, I forgot about me too,

somewhere deep inside a vault.

So have a lovely day, a lovely life,

spare me the guilt and forget about me,

I’m dancing on the edge of a knife

trying to learn how to be free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry · Uncategorized

I won’t hate myself for giving up on you

You’re mad at me for speaking, you’re mad at me for holding my peace.

You’ll speak to me when I respond with sympathy and hear your sob story.

Can you just take a hint? You’ve worn down my sympathy piece by piece.

Yes, I know what you’ve been through, but that is not what I see.

You’ve taken your past and made it a free pass to run your life to the ground,

You’ve decided to hold on to a child’s grudge for all of these years.

Have you realized you’re the only one who is all the way down?

You’ve drowned out complaints in a pool of beers

You say you hate your job? Then quit.

You say you hate your family? Move out.

I turn my music up to max when you have a swearing fit,

and I pretend I don’t hear you shout.

I’ve listened to you so many times, I’ve held you while you cried,

and I hate that I am done because I never wanted to give up on anybody.

But I am done, find someone else for pity find someone else to confide.

I’ve listened to the same thing for years and years and what have you done?

Bewailed your fate and blamed everyone around you until you hate yourself.

If you think leaving this home you call hell will fix this, then go. Leave. Have fun.

But traveling won’t take you away from yourself.

There is so much anger in you that beauty does not exist in your world anymore.

My chest hurts when you’re around and if I told you that you’d curse the world even more.

I’ve seen you scowl when you see people smile at the things that make them happy.

I’ve seen you roll your eyes when someone laughs with pure joy

You have stared me down when I speak of the things that have made me, me.

Advice, instruction, wisdom, logic…all of these do nothing but annoy.

You hate your successful brothers and sisters because they are not like you,

they fought their pain, they stood above their battleground and they are fighting still,

and you know you are capable, you know that you can do it too,

but you are so caught up in your own head that I don’t think you ever will.

I cannot hold you, I don’t have enough pity to give you,

because I am struggling with my own demons too.

I wish you well, I wish you the will to fight

and I hope someday the darkness inside you lets you step in the light.

Rambles · Uncategorized

I just want a happy ending

Moments that don’t matter seem to define a lot of who I am.  Drinking a coffee that is worth four dollars and forgetting about it, heating it up, forgetting it in the microwave, remembering, heating it up again…over and over. Opening my laptop to study and I find myself watching life hacks on YouTube instead, while my own life is hacked to pieces because I’m too busy using the glue on crafts instead of my life.Getting in my car to return a library book I didn’t even read, and I find myself on a road that leads to a cemetery. How fitting. A graveyard, I see my own imaginary gravestones there. There in the corner by the tree where I used to imagine gallant heroes, tragic villains, and dragons is nothing but a gravestone. There, in the middle of a field where I used to run and pretend I was a Robin Hood, is nothing but a gravestone. My happy places went from libraries that are full of imagination, knowledge, endless possibilities to a cemetery.  Here at this cemetery I think of rest, of tired eyes closing for the last time, I think of the end of limitless possibilities. It’s not that I don’t care for my dear friends of time gone by but now I don’t have the energy to imagine that the world is still good. I don’t have the endurance to pretend that the hero always wins, or even wins a little. I have been fighting a losing battle so long that the things that were once so important to me define me less than then the fleeting urge to drive myself into opposite traffic. The worlds I created in my head are less apart of me now than the stupid boots that I’ve worn for the last three months straight, because I’m too tired to clean my room to find the other damn shoes. I haven’t reached a quarter of a century and I am already facing a midlife crisis. I want to be little again. I want my heroes to rise up from the grave. I want to see the magic in the libraries again. I want to close my eyes and create worlds again. I’ve lost my superpowers and now here I am falling under the slightest of burdens. I keep spacing out while writing, I keep forgetting what I’m studying, I keep losing track of time, I keep getting lost in my head. And yet, I so badly want a happy ending. I want it enough to keep up this pretense that I am alright. I want it enough to pretend that my imagination hasn’t been dealt the death-blow by reality. I want it enough. So please, share something good with me. Give me a smile, an awkward “sup!” and a head nod. Give me a story where the good guy wins. Give me a dream that comes true. I just want a happy ending.

Poetry · Uncategorized

NO Worth

I have the right to hang out with who I want to,

and I guess that means that you also do.

You have the right to show worth on people whichever way,

In that, I don’t have a say.

You have so many rights to behave the way you wish to,

but do you have to hurt me the way you do?

You are so caught up in your own rights,

that you have no thought of tearful nights.

You want to do what you want to do,

and promises made to others, will not stop you.

When any step is made, I’m the one making it,

I’m on the floor bleeding, while you sit.

You’ve created a throne for yourself in your mind,

too protected and hidden for any compassion to find

too shrouded in your own ego and self-worth,

that no thought of selflessness could bring you down to earth,

you are so afraid to be walked on, that you’ve walked on me,

so afraid to be broken, that you’ve broken me.

I’ve spoken this pain to you,

and what have I learned of you?

You are so caught up in your rights, that you say

“It’s your right to take it whichever way,

you’ve decided to be hurt by me,

just let it go, and let this be.”

I will give you no more pieces for you to break,

your name has been enough in my tear-filled lake,

And if really have no worth to you,

I will make it that way for me too,

I will give you the time of day, you’ve given me,

and I will let this be.

 

Julie