Poetry · Uncategorized

When Speaking Does Nothing

You don’t leave the room you leave that for me to do.

I can speak, but you filter the words you hear, don’t you?

No matter how calm I am if you do not like the words I speak

you think I am screaming obscenity’s at you while you respond all meek.

You make me out to be irrational, you make me out to be impulsive

but have I ever told you that you were ugly when you were just trying to live?

You say that I argue because I dislike what you say, well in my defense

I didn’t know conversation is synonymous to arguments.

I hate that I can’t converse about our days with it turning to a fight

but I hate it even more that you will never believe you are not right.

My words will never reach you, my pain will never affect you.

But you cry to your people as if what you said to me, I said to you.

Perhaps one day I will tell you all of this, maybe one day I will speak my mind

but you will shut your ears off when my words are not what you want to find.

When you repeat my words they mean the opposite of what I said

and if I try to correct it you close your ears and shake your head.

Ten minutes with you is a year in pain

why should I ever try speaking to you again?

I don’t know why

but foolish me will again eventually try.

 

Julie

 

 

Rambles · Uncategorized

Rambles of a silent mind

I put my headphones in

I turn my music all the way

Though I am alone I hear my name

I close my eyes and my hands clench

It is just my anxiety, I say.

There is no one there

Just the bitter air.

 

I walk down the basement stairs.

By day they lead to the pantry

By night they lead to monsters

The destination is always the same

But the air becomes empty

Empty and cold.

 

There’s a difference between silence and peace.

Peace is when all is calm

Silence is a chaotic scene on pause.

Silence is when there is so much that needs to be said

Silence is the raging in my head.

 

I’m alone in the caters kitchen

I have my phone

And I am writing

Perhaps I am writing because I’m afraid

Afraid that loneliness brings silence

And I have so much that needs to be said.

 

 

 

Poetry · Uncategorized

I Speak The Truth To Show My Love

Doubt my heart if you dare,

Tell me that I do not care.

Doubt my love if you will,

But I will remain here still.

 

Truth does not lie.

And my dear, neither will I.

Truth is loud, but first quiet

as silent as a breeze through a thicket.

 

My love, my love is free

you do not owe anything to me.

But my love, my love though always kind

sometimes brings cruelty to mind.

 

My love is not acceptance,

neither is it grown in silence.

My love, my love is just love

trying to echo my Love above.

 

For my love I will speak the quiet truths,

but not always the truth that soothes.

in your sunshine, my words may sound bleak,

and in your peaceful mind, my words might shriek.

 

I will listen to the truths you need say to me,

but these words of mine as well must be set free.

My love, hate me if you will,

but I will speak, and I will love you still.

 

 

Julie

 

Poetry · Uncategorized

Existence?

There are things that need to be said

But I can’t find the words to say.

There are things I feel in my head

But they stay there day to day.

If only I could lay down and sleep

And wake up with the words to say

But those words, my head will keep,

And I will remain this way.

I’ve tried to make you understand

That my connection to this world is lost

And yes, you can take my hand

But at what cost?

I cannot always be there for you

Because sometimes I don’t think I exsist

The hard times you go through?

I’d give you my hand if it weren’t clenched in a fist.

I scream to hear my own voice

I hit my head on walls to know I live

pain is reason to rejoice

Pain tells me that I live.

But I can’t seem to let you know

That while I die, I love you still.

And eventually you will go

And I will love you still.

 

Julie-

Well this post is a trainwreck..

😂

 

 

 

Poetry · Uncategorized

Monster

Is the color of my blood still red?

If I spilled it all would I fall to the dead.

You call my wild eyes beautiful

But aren’t the eyes doors to the soul?

You tell me my smile is sweet

But my eyes and mouth never meet.

I want to crush my bones and show

That you do not know what you think you know.

I want to shed my skin so you can see

The monster that you call happy.

I want to rip off the masks I wear

And show you what I am, without a care

But my bones are the same as humans

My blood is as red as my sins

And I am no story book monster

But a human who wished she were

For I’d much rather blame my thoughts

On a monster without thoughts.

I’d rather not admit that I am like this:

Afraid, weak, and worthless.

So I’ll pretend I wear a human face

So you will give me grace

When my thoughts are found out.

She’s only a monster you’ll shout

And I can go on without a change

Remain like this, remain strange.

Because the truth is,

I am far too tired to fix all of this.

 

Julie K