Content To Shine

I used to cry as I compared myself to the moon

For the one’s who praise the loudest, praise the sun at noon

I always wanted to be praised, like the sun

But I am more the light when the day is done.

Now I smile quietly, when I think of it

It isn’t something I regret, not even the slightest bit.

For while the sun in orange hues rises brilliantly

and dies in purple and pink hues dramatically

the moon is content to rise while people watch the sun die

Content to shine, while the world says goodnight and goodbye.

Content to smile on the few that see her alone

The dreaming, loving, poetic souls all on their own

sending their wishes to the moon’s calming shine

And listening to her whisper “Everything will be fine.”

 

-Julie

Just a random thought I had while on the swings last night. It’s been a while since I updated, so I thought I’d share this with you. (=

 

 

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I’m Still Here And Fighting. 

If I had listened to you all those years ago

I would have nothing to show

I would have killed myself by now

Without running on stage to take my bow

For all those times you made me bleed

That painful addiction, you made me feed

I wish I could throw you away, like you do me

But there is some good to you, I see.

So very many people have you in their heads

And every so often you lead them to deathbeds

And simply because I wrestled you those years

I hear your voice when my friends mention fears

I see your suffocating lies in their eyes

I feel it when their love for life dies.

Yes, because of you I suffered and still do

But also, I feel everything stronger too

I refuse to be beaten by your lies

I refuse to say my goodbyes

And if I have the power

I won’t run or cower

I want to put a smile on the faces

Of all the people you’ve turned into cases

I want to reach my hand out

To the people you’ve made doubt.

I am not strong, I have not won yet

But I must pay a debt

To the person who saved me when I was broken

That gave me the gift that silently has spoken

The gift of an escape that strays from death

The gift of stories on every breath.

So, as I was once attacked, I will fight back

and give all my love to those still on the rack

Their battles are different from my own, it’s true

but supporting them through

is the least I can do.

 

-Julie

 

What Even??

I either sleep too much or not enough

I either cry too much or act too tough

I am either productive or lazy

there is no in between for me.

I am either anxious or depressed

Which situation is best?

I can write a thousand words in a moment

Or I could spend a day without making a dent.

I can read through the sun and the moon

But sometimes I can’t put my book down too soon.

Music can either make me happy and strong

or it can make me feel completely wrong.

Sometimes I think I’ve got life down

and the next day I’m taken to town.

I don’t think I really know anything about me,

Because the next day I’ll act differently.

 

 

 

I Will Be Me

I trip on my feet as I go down the stairs.

I could make a few nests with all the hairs

I find on the shower walls and in my hairbrush.

When I am nervous, all my words gush.

My hands shake when I’m tired.

Last year my good ideas all retired.

I love easily and in no time

I think in poetry or in rhyme.

I throw my arms wide and dance in the rain

I don’t hide when my heart’s in pain.

I laugh at my mistakes,

But those laughs are all fakes.

It breaks me when I know I’ve failed,

But those emotions I keep jailed.

I manage to fall on thin air and flat ground

Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped and bound.

I really do enjoy being alone,

But I hate being on my own.

I randomly start crying for no reason,

tears are my allergies every season.

I am not particularly clever or of quick wit

I am not easily motivated, it’s easy to quit

I don’t like feeling under or over appreciated

I get angry if without reason I am hated

I dream about dragons, fairies, and adventures

but in reality, I hide under the covers.

I have been told frequently that I am strange

And the truth is, I don’t want that to change.

Because, I am my own person, don’t you see?

I will be me

Even if me is a little weird.

 

 

-Julie

When Myself Convinces Me

I have an interesting ability

I talk myself through everything, you see.

I know a lot of people can do this

I’m not claiming a title all pish posh…ish.

But it’s something that explains a bit about me

I talk myself in or out of everything…nearly.

I’ve talked myself out of fear before

I’ve made myself believe I like doing my chore

I’ve talked myself into a calm from anxiety

I have convinced myself not to care for society

I’ve argued away tears time and time again

I’ve coerced myself to pick up my pen

But in return myself coerced me

Into believing I’ll never be

As good as I want to be.

And as payment for what I’ve made myself do

Myself demeans what I do too.

But I want myself to convince me

That I can be a better me.

I want myself to believe

There is nothing I can’t achieve

So I’ll keep trying to talk my way

Until myself believes me when I say

I’ll become the best me I can be

When I convince myself and myself convinces me.

-Julie

Maybe Someday

I want so badly to share my stories.

But I tend to keep them where no one sees. 

The words I write down in all my books

Are more me than even my looks. 

Those words can destroy me

They can break me so easily. 

I have hidden them from the worlds eye

So I will never be questioned or asked why

I write about the things that I do. 

So I can never be judged by you.  

I am sparing myself the pain

But I might also be keeping myself from gain. 

A dilemma that has me trapped here  

Holding my pen in hands that shake for fear. 

Will I ever show you the things I say? 

Perhaps soon. Just not today. 

I’ve Been Told

I’ve been told

that my soul is old.

I am reminded constantly

that I see this world differently.

I like to think that’s true

I like to believe that I really do.

But I see the world

completely bare and unfurled

I see it how it is

a beautiful lie, a deceitful kiss.

I see it for what it is worth

this messed up earth.

People think I see it differently

but I just pretend I don’t see.

Because the truth is, I am terrified.

Absolutely Terrified.

 

-Julie